9/2/2013
There is this so uncomfortable feeling…. a fear .. like the first day of school... as the day goes by and evening approaches butterflies in my stomach take a roaring flight.. my heart seems to skip a beat every now and then.. my mind is only getting more and more restless… and my heart rate slowly getting out of control… my breaths are getting deeper and longer with every passing minute.. trying to get my nerves in control of my mind…. however, my heart seems to be getting better of them!
I look away from the forms I am filling .. and there she is …the most wonderful, amazing , beautiful, loving, energetic, smiling, bubbly, enthusiastic, naughty, picky, creature I have ever come across… Siya Pranavya.. playing gleefully with her Snowy and bow bow …hopping… and I mean literary hopping constantly… and suddenly out of no where rushing and planting a kiss, either on my knees,or legs, or feet, or arms, or face, or hands, toes, back, fingers and then rushing away as fast as she had arrived … giggling all the way through.…!!
With a deep sigh I get back on the forms I am filling… name of baby, mothers name, fathers name, allergy information, emergency contact, doctors name , birth information, doctors letter, ….uniform selection. Blah this, blah that.. pay here, pay there.. sign here and initial there… And so on.. yes my baby is starting school… time has flown by and I have not even realized that my little caterpillar has entered a new phase.. ready for social interaction to meet the world, face them..find her challenges, overcome her shyness , and see a new world waiting for her to chime in..
I admit I am little upset though, actually a lot anxious, took to tennis court with Suyog so that I get distracted.. and… it did work.. !!.. gotcha .. I finally had it under control.. .. well..atleast that is what I thought … little did I know.. with evening turning into night my nerves were out of control…. My anxiousness had grown 10 fold… and as I was getting sucked in this swamp of anxiousness, I hear, ” mum-mum”…there she was.. looking up to me pulling my dress and saying.. “mum-mum” . Siya has learnt to communicate regarding her basic needs in life.. Mum- mum is just one of them…meaning I am hungry..
I feed her one thing… but she does not want it .. so I try something else..this time I get a compliment she takes a bite and goes… “ Ummmmmmmmm” … Ah! Finally she liked something.. I was just thinking that and I hear “Baaashhh” ( meaning enough in Hindi .. and …also meaning I had enough of this, get me something else ….. in her language ) .. after some time her dad feeds her (note this is third preparation..) and this time.. she wants it.. because she thinks its what her dad is having.. end result we managed to get her to eat something… Mission accomplished.. !!!! Battle WON at least for tonight.
As I was celebrating this little success of ours, those anxious thoughts creeped right back in.. I am sending my daughter to school from tomorrow.. I am not sure if she will eat .. I am not sure if they will be as persistent.... I am not sure if she will like it.. I am not sure how she will feel. I am not sure how she will adjust.. I am not sure how teachers are going to be.. I am not sure if she will get bullied.. what about the language.. oh she is so young.. she cant even talk, she is all of 19 months! I am not sure of so many darn things.. gosh I feel so frustrated within…
hush… hush.. baby… I swing her to sleep.. and she holds on to me tight.. that, never wud let u go grip.. ya ,that is, that is tight .. here was my beautiful angel asleep, in deep sleep, unaware of what tomorrow morning holds for her… and my battle with my thoughts just became unbearable… I broke down.. sometime letting those tears out is good.. its like emptying the vessel so that you can start all over again..glad suyog was with me...
Get to think of it.. it was a conscious decision to put her to school.. she clearly asked for more interaction more playing time more activities.. she showed signs of clear boredom sometimes .. but was all fun and chirpy when taken out, made to do things, got excited seeing other people, specially kids. With nanny system that I was doing till now.. even though my baby was in a safer environment all she was learning was, how to operate a TV remote!
My mind knows all this emotional commotion is just a phase , well so does my heart…
But that does not help.. it still is so griped with fear , with anxiety ,with sadness, with confusion, with anger .. its so frustrating.. ..I feel the sting even though I feel this is the best decision for her right now.. I hope n pray, this is something I would never regret… The only thing I worry about now, is her language.. atleast that is what I think as of NOW.. I am sure I will come up with something new to worry about as the days pass by in school.. for now.. just thought of penning down my thoughts to vent my heart out..
Wrapping my day with a hope of a better day at school tomorrow for punnu..
Sigh..
Havisha
